It’s been very rough of late. Not in terms of visitations, but in the realization of just what this “outing” of myself is costing me. There’s been a series of things that have caused me to wonder if the price isn’t too high. After all, why would anyone in their right mind share these experiences? I’ve kept them secret for so long- never denying if asked straight out, but never admitting too much. Ashamed of the light it would cast me in if I were to openly acknowledge the contact, I all but lied to myself about the reality of what was happening to me. Since late 2009, it’s been as if I were under the control of someone else, as the book came out of me… much like giving birth. It simply showed up. Then against all odds and with very little effort on my part, I get not one, but two offers to publish.
It is like I was set adrift…..a genie in the proverbial bottle, floating in the ocean….bobbing along without an oar or map- no agenda and no compass. Things show up- I get “impressions” and synchronicities pointing me in the direction it appears I am meant to go. And every once in a while, I even hear someone telling me what’s coming up next. Yes, I will admit to hearing voices. I mean, really, isn’t that minor in the context of all I am owning up to!
But now….now I stop suddenly and I look around, as if for the first time in years. And I see that I am about to throw a stick of dynamite into what is left of my “normal” life. That is, the façade I have managed to hold together in spite of all the weirdness. I could still save that life. I could go back into the matrix and rebuild my old life. I could torpedo the book, cancel the lectures, not do the website-push it all back under the rug and laugh it off when anyone asks. I try to envision my life, as it would be post book and website exposure. Who would take me serious? Who would want to do business with me- entrust me to sell their property when I lay claim to such outrageous stories. How will I make a living?
My daughters want nothing to do with me. I have shamed them. They threaten to sue me in order to stop the book from being published. My youngest is a realtor, trying to make a living in this small town. She is somewhat justified in her concerns. My sweetie wonders where his normal life went and he, too, is paying the price by being shut out by certain members of his family. And it’s only going to get worse. Why would I do this? If I am not considered crazy for claiming to have had these experiences, then one must certainly claim insanity to bring it all out in the open, thereby ruining a perfectly good life. Not to mention the impact on those I love most. I tell Jim I am considering throwing in the towel. I play with the idea of rebuilding my life….a life I don’t miss in the least, but I feel it is the proper thing to do. The normal, sane thing to do….isn’t it?
I head off to bed on Monday, feeling sick at heart. My life is lived in a state of surrender. I learned some years ago to live in trust….I make no decisions on my own. I allow Grace into my life by living in the Now moment and am guided by my higher power. This night I asked for a clearer perspective on this situation. I was as uncertain as to which way to turn as I had ever been in my entire life. I feel asleep in peace, knowing I’d be directed.
At 2 am several things happened in the same split second, as I flew awake and sat straight up. There was a deafening, ear splitting crack just as a brilliant flash of light engulfed the room; my dog went flying off the bed in a frenzy of barking as he prepared to fight the intruder and my electricity went out, thereby silencing my white noise machine. It was all over in a few seconds. Pookie walked around nervously growling and occasionally barking- just in case someone was still thinking of making an appearance. And I sat bolt upright, knowing that my guys had just made one of their dramatic exits. I started to laugh as I grabbed Pookie and held him in my arms to soothe him. It took him almost an hour to settle down and go to sleep, which was okay, as I needed to stay awake and come to terms with my reality. MY REALITY. THIS WAS MY REALITY. Did I really think I could make it go away through denial? Did I think for one second I could go back into the old world and turn my back on the truth of who I now knew myself to be?
As I wrote in my book, I have no choice in this. It is who I am. It is why I am here. I was assured that any action I take to back away from this would have more negative consequences than any movement forward could ever have on those I love. And I know, in my heart that is true. So forward I go….in trust.
I am highly aware that many will not be able to accept these statements. Their fear is too great—oh, they won’t call it fear. They will label it something else, but it is fear. And that is exactly what I am about. I am about bringing the truth of who I am…..and the truth of who you are, to light. Because once upon a time I made a promise…..and I will keep that promise….so I will remember for you until you wake up.